Saturday, January 31, 2009

Chapter Two - A Bathroom Stall

He didn't email me back. I knew something was up. It wasn't like my fiance to just ignore my emails during the workday. I mean, sometimes he had meetings, but usually he would get back to me, or just tell me he had a meeting and that he'd be unable to respond...but on that day I had a pit in my stomach...I knew by the next day, my life would be different, I knew I'd be single.

I don't know how I knew that he was going to break up with me that night, but I just knew that was why he didn't write back. Maybe he knew that in just a few short hours he'd be coming to my parents' house to tell me the news and just could not bare to exchange pleasantries with me over email...or maybe he just was too much of chicken to email me, I don't know...and I never will know, because in just a few short hours I would see him for the very last time.

It was late August, just a few months ago I had started at 'BCN, I had hid my engagement ring - I mean, if I was feeling these waves of doubt clearly he was too - I mean we both had to be going down these unique paths of self-discovery and change. We had just graduated from college, we lived 5 hours apart - it would make sense that we both would have doubts...but it was comfortable, safe, and when we were together we had an amazing time. When we were together I never ONCE questioned our love for each other - or our dedication to the relationship, but maybe when we were apart we both felt like there was more out we both could move on and be there was more out there than just this.

It was about 11:15am when I got up from my computer. I went into the bathroom, my eyes started to well up with tears. Seriously, if I had ever had a moment...this was it. It was that moment when I started to break. I had never broken like this, and I wouldn't break like this again for nearly 5 years. This time I was losing it, feeling parts of my world break off and fall apart - disintegrating around me.

My tears started to really flow as I silently sobbed, my head in my hands, as Fuel's Hemmorage played over the airwaves. I felt it in my heart. Today was the day. I managed to clean myself up and head back to my desk. No one really knew what was going on. I acted like I was excited that he was coming up to my house that night. We were planning on going up to Maine and spending the weekend away - a chance to reconnect, spend time away from our families and friends, and just be together...that was the plan at least.

It was midnight before he got to my house. My overnight bag was packed. My parents were in bed. As I opened the front door he burst in. I tried to hug him but he didn't hug me back. His arms were limp around my waist. His face was stern, his words were cold.

"I don't want to get married," he said plainly. Almost as though he'd rehearsed it over and over in the car.
"OK," I started to respond. "We can put off the wedding, it's fine -" I started to continue as he cut me off.
"No, I don't love you and I don't want to get married," he said. It was like a million little knives being stuck into my heart.
"Oh," I said.

We went into my parent's kitchen. I hopped up on the counter and sat there. He stood across the room...afraid to get any closer than that. I was afraid to move, I started to ask him questions about what was going on, why he felt this way, and his answer was that he simply didn't love me and didn't want to get married.

I know that I held it together. I had a conversation with him. He stayed for about an hour. As he was about to leave we both were crying. We hugged and he said he would call me when he got home the next day. It was like I was living in a movie...a movie with a horrible ending.

We were trying to get through this awkward conversation. What do you say to the man who just gave up on you? Just took your heart and broke it in your parent's kitchen? I gave him back his engagement ring and walked him to the door. We went out on the steps and I sat he drove away, his Black Durango turning the corner to leave my parents street - I sobbed...I lost it. Started to become hysterical really.

It was now about 1:30am. I went into my parents room. It was only dimly lit by the soft glow of the TV. They were both sound asleep as I stood over their bed contemplating my next move. I didn't want to wake them, but I had no idea what else to do. So there in the middle of the night, I woke them with my tears...with my sobs of pain and grief. I began to feel the reality of what had just happened sink into my skin and surround me like a coat of thorns. Pricking and cutting my skin.

My mom sat up with me for a while. I cried, she tried to console and asked what had happened. I could barely answer her, I didn't really know what had happened or even why. I finally exhausted myself and lay in my bed. I was tired, confused and lost. I needed to tell someone, someone who would understand and be able to commesurate on my I picked up the phone and dialed her number.


  1. you're an awesome writer, keep it up, hugs & kisses from snowy london!

  2. OMG, my ex husband said those exact words to me! (Well... mostly. It was more like, "I don't love you and I don't want to be married anymore.") The truth was that I didn't want to be married anymore either, so it wasn't a total loss, but you still grieve over it because at one time you DID love him. It still hurts when someone tells you they don't love you. Then I met Todd (and you!) 6 months later, so I firmly believe in FATE and that everything happens for a reason!!!