Saturday, February 7, 2009

Chapter 3 - Drive Away

Just turn the key, turn the key and drive I told myself. I was sitting in my car in my parents driveway. It was just about 11am. I knew that I needed to go. I needed to get myself out of my life for a while. I needed a distraction, a distraction that Portsmouth was surely going to provide.

After all that had happened just a few short hours ago, I needed to leave. I knew that I had to go, but I was so afraid to leave. What if he calls? He said he'd call when he got home...and he HAS to be home by now. What if I miss the call and he wants to get back together and I'm off galivanting around Portsmouth with my friend? I was so torn on what to do. I just sat there. Hands on the steering wheel, looking straight ahead at my parents fence. It was a beautiful sunny Saturday in August too. One of those days where you just feel good because the weather is nice. I should feel good I kept trying to convince myself. I should just go. But instead I got out of the car and went back into the house.

I picked up the phone and called her again. My college roommate, my best friend, she was the one person who knew what had happened the night before...and luckily for me she was one of the only people I knew who at that point could really get how I felt. Though she was never engaged to her former boyfriend, he had similarly just decided to hit the road one day too, so she got it. And after my call last night, she definitely knew that I wasn't really ok with what had happened.

"I can't do it. What if he calls?" I asked, in a nervous voice as soon as she answered the phone. I knew I had to go, but I was so torn...honestly I did not want to miss that call, I didn't want to miss out on the chance to hear his voice again, to know that he was ok and was thinking about me...that he still cared...that he wanted to know how I was doing.

"Umm...ok, let's think about this," she responded. Always rational and cool, my friend had a way of calming me down. "If you stay home today, and sit at your parent's house are you going to be ok? You are going to wait for a call and if it doesn't come, and you don't hear from him today you are seriously going to be more upset than you are now."

"Oh, I know," I responded. "But if I miss the call and I'm not here won't he think I don't care and I don't want to get back together with him and then it could be all over. I know he still loves me, how do you just shut that off - we were engaged for God's sake!"

"Yeah you were engaged," my friend stated. "But honestly Jenn, it is over. For right now, it's done. Would you want to be with someone who would just leave you in the middle of the night with some lame ass explanation?"

"No, I guess I wouldn't," I said in response. I knew she was right. She was so right that I had to go up to her house. "Besides, if he does call it's probably better I'm not home. That way he can wonder where I am."

"Exactly," she agreed. Now she knew she had me starting to believe I should get in the car and drive up to her house. "So stop making excuses, stop worrying that he will call, and get your ass in the car and get up here, Portsmouth is waiting."

"Ok, you are right." I picked up my keys off of the table in the kitchen where I was sitting. I held them in my hand for a moment. I could feel the weight of them weighing on my heart. It was weird but at that moment I knew that I was about to take a HUGE step forward in my life.

1 comment:

  1. can't wait to hear about your time in p'smith!