Sunday, December 27, 2009

Chapter 7 - Oh The Internet

Every night out started with a trip to 'BCN. I'd meet my friends there and head out into the city on another wild adventure. I never knew where the night would take us, and I never cared. I always knew that regardless of where I ended up, that the adventure would be worth it. It was like each night was a choose your own adventure book. I felt like with each decision I made the page was being turned closer to my fate. Closer to finding the one I was meant to be with and closer to finding myself.

Heading out on that cool night I was so unsure of myself. I was "dating" but had no commitments. I liked it that way but longed for something more. Maybe it was that the guys weren't the right fit...maybe it was that I wasn't fitting in my skin these days. I still had no answers on why I was "put out to pasture" by my ex. It had been months and we'd not spoken, even once. It was no use worrying about it though, there was no reason to even talk to him anyway. It wouldn't have done me any good to hear his voice...especially since I was trying to forget I was engaged a few months back. I was trying to be someone else.

On this night I had an intense feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something larger than me was surrounding me like a warm thick blanket. Enveloping me in comfort and assurance. Maybe it was the light snow falling, maybe it was the cool air on my skin. I just knew that adventure was going to find me that night.

As my girlfriend and I picked our location, we headed over to the establishments next to the Pru. We picked a bar that we thought would have the "business" types as a crowd. Though we loved the rock star life we were leading, the idea of dating guys who were in the "business" was less appealing to me. I wished I could branch out, date out of my office some new people...truthfully it was always a wish, but the best relationships I had were always with co-workers until I met my husband. But that isn't going to happen for nearly 7 years from now.

I was high on the idea of meeting someone. As I sipped my drink I surveyed the room. I saw him from across the bar. Eyeing me as I sized him up. He looked older than me, maybe by a few years. He was tall, dark and clearly in some sort of business type field. After a little prodding from my friend we headed over to talk to him and his friends.

Our conversation lasted only 20 minutes as he and his friends were about to leave. They worked for a company downtown and had been across the street for a convention. No numbers were exchanged but I did my best to smile and flirt with him. Flirting gave me a sense of strength, a purpose even. Despite the fact that I was bruised inside, I put on the front that I truly was ready for anything. I felt like if my facade was bright no one would notice the lights inside were dimmed from sadness. It worked usually. But sometimes, when I was alone at home I'd let the dimmed lights in my soul control me. But not tonight. Tonight I was radiant. I was being the me I wanted to be...I was feeling daring, strong and in control...which led to my next move.

The next day I did something that led to the confidence I felt moving to CA, the confidence I had in me. I emailed the guy's general sales email on his company's website. I basically wrote an email saying that I had met him and that we talked at the bar. I enjoyed the conversation and wanted to try to see him again.

I don't remember the exact wording of the email but come Monday my email box was flooded with emails. Messages from girls at the company saying things like "way to go" and "wow, that's awesome! hope it works out!" I then realized that the mail I had sent was forwarded around the ENTIRE company. Apparently I was naive enough to think that it was only going to go to the sales department. And even that...really. I really thought it was OK to email someone's company asking for a date? In the time since this event took place I've definitely learned a thing or two about professionalism and would NEVER do something like that again, but at the time I thought it was the only way to go.

I am not sure what I was thinking honestly. But I got an email back from him and just 3 days later we met for dinner. After dinner I went to his house. We talked, he revealed that he had a child back home with his HS girlfriend and though they weren't together, he was going to visit them for a week and he was leaving the next day. Whether or not this was true or not, I'll never know, but because of that story, I never tried to call him again. He never tried to contact me either. For all I know he might have moved back home.

If anything I took from this experience a tremendous lesson. There was more to me than the break up of my engagement, there was more to me than just being complacent. I was able to take action if I wanted something and I was willing to take ownership of the things I wanted and didn't want. It was clear to me that I had to be who I was inside. I couldn't let my heart lights be dimmed because someone tried to turn them off. I needed to let the light and hope I had inside me shine as brightly as I could.